Damned if you do, damned if you do

We were coming off of our worst two week consecutive performance of the BIA. We were facing the Wolfpack, the newbies in the league for the first time. If we could just turn our bowling around, things were looking up. We were tied for second to last in the league. We needed some wins. We didn't really get them. We only managed to win one of four.

Pinnius, the god of bowling, has been frowning upon us lately. A few weeks back, we had one of our best weeks ever against Little Caesars and only won one game. This week, we bowled 81 pins over average and only took a single game. We even bowled 260 pins better than last week. Yet, we still got our ass kicked. Two words describe our situation: "Shit luck".

It was a strange night. It's strangeness was capped by watching a guy messing with the pins in Lane 13 getting beaned in the ankle by a 20 mph house ball. Ouch. On the positive side, both Johnebob and the Rook had good nights. John had a 500 series, 512 to be exact, and the Rook, a 459. The Rookie was 78 pins over average and picked up 54.2% of his spares, a remarkable accomplishment for somebody in his first season. Johnebob led the team in strikes with a dozen and first ball average with 8.4.

So, over the last three weeks, we have gone 1-11. Ouch. Last night, our last game was killer, a 958 handicapped. Maybe we've turned the corner on the bowling part. Now, if we could just flip luck to the other side of the coin, we'd start climbing back up the standings.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

riBeing a teacher, I read a lot of student papers. Since the dawn of the age of the internet, plagiarism has run rampant. The internet made available an abundance of text that can be acquired with a simple copy-paste routine. The temptation to plagiarize is great. What students don't seem to understand is that plagiarism is really easy to detect. Although we all use the same language (in my classes, anyway) and attempt to follow the same grammatical rules, everyone has their own distinctive writing style. Changes in style stick out like a sore thumb. When you read something that has been plagiarized using the old copy-paste trick, it is obvious.

There are other forms of plagiarism, such as using another's work or ideas without attribution. Whenever I quote something on this blog (if somebody really said it) or am inspired by somebody else, I always make a point of providing citation or link. It is common courtesy, the honest thing to do, and standard accepted practice. Why do I bring this up?

Well, last week, I posted a little something about entry angle, which was inspired by something EB of the Thumbhole Chronicles shared with us from Bowlspot.com. This Bowlspot tip of the month, was inspired by a USBC study. (See, that's four citations in two sentences.) I was somewhat surprised when I was directed to this month's Bowlspot tip of the month, which is in substance essentially exactly what I had written, although the BM Report received no citation. Now, perhaps this is a coincidence. I don't know. You could see this a couple of ways.

For example, maybe somebody wrote to Charley Wilson of Bowlspot asking him to explain what exactly does a 6 degree entry angle mean. Or maybe, this question came to him independently. Or maybe, just maybe, Charley saw my post, read it, and used it as inspiration for his. I am going to be fair and assume it was a case of "Great minds think alike", but if it wasn't, a citation of the BM Report would only be the right thing to do.

Bowling Mustaches: The Bohn

Chief among the equipment needs of a bowler are three key items: 1) A custom drilled ball; 2) A pair of comfortable shoes; 3) A well groomed mustache. The mustache in bowling serves many purposes beyond its normal uses in real life, signaling a Selleck-like panache and permitting the wearing of "Mustache Rides, $0.50" tees. According to USBC Exercise and Strength Conditioning Specialist Nick Bohanan, "There are two primary reasons why many male professional bowlers wear mustaches. For one the sheer mass of the stache provides an important counterweight for the ball during the back swing. For another, it provides a natural filter for inhaled gases, which at bowling alleys often contain many impurities that can be quite distasteful, not to mention unhealthy. For both reasons, I have often recommended that female bowlers wear a fake mustache in competition."

Today's featured mustache is the Bohn, invented by PBA bowler Parker Bohn III. Here are its specifications.

Style: The Bohn
Color: Dark Brown
Thickness: Medium
Length:Width Ratio: 7.71
Earnings: $2,650,584.00
Titles: 32

The Bohn stache is recommend for left handed bowlers with intermediate speed and revs. People incapable of developing a natural Bohn due to age or gender can purchase a glue on version at the USBC Sport Store. For blondes, Just for Men Gel can be applied, but keep in mind that over application can affect balance. Oops, we're out of time.

Bowling in Moving Pictures: Meet the new recruit

Being the most important bowling team in the universe, the Bowl Movements always have our eyes open for new talent. As the Rookie is only expected to be with us for one more year, we frequently discuss who can be brought in to fill the three hole in the lineup. Our current sub, K-Terk, is an obvious choice, especially if he moves back to the Gem City, but we are currently in negotiations with the bowler in the video below. We expect a letter of intent any day now.

Bowling Alley Mural Reviews: The Shell Game

Today we review the kegel mural, the Shell Game by anonymous. In the center of the piece is a hirsute nude blonde who stands askew upon a half shell of Tridacna. Carefully placed hands and hair hide many of her delicates from view. On the left half of the mural, two bird people create a strong wind of breath to prevent a second woman on the right from draping a table cloth upon the contessa of clams. The piece speaks to the conflict between nudism and prudishness waged daily upon our city streets. While normally a generous reviewer, in the case of this piece, I have few positive words to share.

The mural, painted in oils, has a quality of amateurness that is difficult to overlook, perhaps best exemplified by the askant stance of the disrobed dame, who is apparently capable of defying the force of gravitation. Furthermore, it is obvious if not unnecessary to note that bird people do not exist, having suffered extinction in 17th century Bucharest, and thus should not be rendered. The artist of this unfortunate mural will no doubt fade into obscurity as a one hit wonder, if this piece can even be considered a "hit", and whose fame will never extend beyond the lanes which don upon their masking units this tacky and forgettable object d'art. Bivalves world over should rise in protest over this demeaning rendering in which they are depicted as lowly invertebrates to be trod upon.

Don't piss off The Briefcase

If there is one thing I have not learned, it is that words have consequences. Sure, the pen can be mightier than the sword, but I thought that was only true if the pen was duct taped to a Kalashnikov. I wondered how the Lazers, and in particular, The Briefcase, would respond to my heckling. After all, they are the only people in the Memorial League of Bernaski that actually read my nonsense. The answer? Well, it did not come to fisticuffs, but a right jab to the upper lip would have been preferable to the bowling beat down we received.

In truth, The Briefcase, aka Troy Baker, was humble and maybe a bit embarrassed. I think he would prefer not to be in the spotlight. This did not, however, stop him from going 600 on us. He did not do this alone. The younger Briefcase, also known as Brett Baker, but more commonly referred to as the attaché , did the same. Brett walked into the Lanes of Laramie, sought me out, stared me in the eyes, and said, "My name is Inigo Montoya. You wronged my father. Prepare to experience bowling death." Inigo did not fail to deliver on that promise.

So, after last week's crushing defeat, we followed it up this week with another. In fairness, I can't blame the Lazers entirely. For some reason, the Movements have returned to 2007 form. It has been an ugly thing to watch. We all are to blame, except for the Rookie who has been steady as a rock, hitting that 128 average week after week.

I have to give Troy credit. In fact, if I could, I would give him more than that. If the USBC gives awards for service, he is deserving of one. In addition to giving us a thorough ass whooping on the lanes tonight, he was actually somewhat apologetic for the situation I previously described, but there was no need for him to be. The bizarre schedule to which we have been subjected has resulted from one team leaving the league early in the season, and another joining recently. It's all by the book, and I knew that when I wrote that post. Daniele described it best when he said, "It's like we're in the American League East, and we're the the Orioles." It's just a bit of bad luck.

But here's the thing about Troy and our league. Like most bowling leagues (not that I've ever experienced another), the Memorial League of Bernaski is filled with a bunch of guys who just want to get out on Monday night and play with their balls. Did that come out right? They want to get out of their houses. They want to compete. They want to have a beer or two. Bowling is a way to forget about all of those other responsibilities in life, and a way to have a good time with good company. But a bowling league cannot exist, persist, or be successful without somebody running the show. Someone has to organize it. Someone has to have responsibilities exceeding the rolling of three games a night.

Troy has been doing this for years, no not since the Eisenhower administration as he corrected me. He actually started in the second year of the Fillmore administration. He never complains about it. He never asks for anything. I think it was last year at the end of the league when he accepted with a red face something like a $1 raise per week. Without Troy, Bernaski would not exist. The league runs smoothly and without incident. I suspect most people never think about all of the things he does behind the scenes. On top of that, I learned tonight, that he is also the Divisional Secretary. That means that he has to report a ton of info to the USBC every week.

So, Briefcase, thanks for being a good sport about my needling. Thanks for making sure the trains run on time. Bernaski would be a different animal without you, probably one stumbling around in circles on three legs. And if you don't mind me asking, how much would it cost to have you add 50 pins to each of our games every week?

The Briefcase Conspiracy

I want to begin with a question. Can you trust your league secretary? Yeah, I know. You have your doubts. Our league secretary, known in these parts as "The Briefcase", shows up every Monday with a pleasant demeanor, a smile on his face, and a briefcase in his right hand. He's been doing the job since the Eisenhower administration. Everybody loves The Briefcase. He's a good guy. Over the course of a season, the league trusts him with more than $12,000 in cash, which he faithfully distributes to the appropriate parties in the appropriate sums.

By the way, I can't help but think that this system for the redistribution of resources is in essence a highly regressive form of taxation. You take money from the bowling poor (the Bowl Movements) and give it to the bowling rich. But hey, it's a hell of a lot of fun for $12 a week.

Being a league Secretary is a thankless job. If you check out the USBC Rulebook, you will find that of all of the league officers, the Secretary has to do the most. In fact, he or she pretty much has to do everything. The President hardly does anything, except walk around like they're the king of the lanes. That's right, I'm talking to you, Schuster. Anyway, for all of these reasons, it pains me greatly to expose the greatest scandal to hit Laramie Lanes since the keg of Bud Light ran out on a Tuesday morning at 11:00 AM.

You see, The Briefcase bowls for the team of rolling assassins known as "Lazer Wash". The Lazers are a brutal show of bowling prowess, with a team average probably hovering around 2 and change. The Lazers have won the league at least twice since we started bowling. They are good. In fact, you could call them the "Bizarro Bowl Movements". They are our opposites. Because we use a 90% handicapping system, we are at our greatest disadvantage when we bowl against them.

We bowled against the bruisers only two weeks ago, and we were happy to come out of it 2-2. Thankfully, in a league with nine teams, we won't have to face them again for another six weeks, right? Wrong. We bowl against them again next week. Well, you might say, wasn't another team just added to the league? Didn't that screw up the scheduling? Yes, that's true. Thanks a lot, Wolfpack. Thanks for coming into the league and screwing us over. Why don't you just go back to your stupid bowling den. But there's more to this sordid tale of intrigue. You see, we have now bowled for 20 weeks in Bernaski, and we have already faced the Lazers four times. This will be our 5th match against the Car Washers in 21 weeks! Do the math. We roll against these guys like once a month.

Now, let's do a little comparison. There is one team in our league that is actually worse than us, if you can believe it. It's the team known as "Little Caesars". (No offense intended, Caesars. Please keep bringing pizza.) When we bowl against them, we actually have an advantage. How many times have we faced them? Twice. Something smells fishy here, and it's not a double anchovy pizza pizza.

So, Briefcase, what do you have to say for yourself? I would threaten to rise up against you in a bloodless secretarial coup d'etat, but that would mean that I would have to be the league secretary. NO WAY. That's way too much stuff to do. Plus, you're really good at it.