Saturday, January 31, 2009

Attn: Pelican International


I’m sure you have heard that the Bowl Movements’s goal this season is to earn enough money through bowling to buy a canoe to be used as a fishing vessel during the off season. This lucky canoe will cruise the waters of Wyoming in search of trout. It should be obvious given our chosen recreational activities that we are middle aged men of leisure. How is the canoe quest coming along? Well, we have 44 wins at $9 a pop, and ¼ of our earnings will go to the Canadian who is not part of Canoe Quest 2009.

Our goals have been hampered by one small hiccup. We are not good at bowling. In fact, we have nearly as many losses as we have wins, 40 to be precise. While there is a remote possibility that we will eventually win enough games to purchase our dream boat, chances are we won’t have enough to even pay the sales tax. This is why I’m writing. I have a proposition.

The Pelican Bayou 160 is a fine boat. Check her out over there on the left. She’s a looker. “Ideal for hunting and fishing and boasting a 950 lb maximum carrying capacity, this multi-functional sportsman's square back canoe also comes in handy for a quiet ride on the lake!” She’s 16’3” in length. She’s got a built-in motor mount. Three molded bench seats. She even comes with rod holders. What more could a man want in a fishing canoe? Well, a kegerator, but I know that’s still in the pipeline.

Here’s the proposition. It is time that Pelican International got in the business of sports sponsorship. The Bowl Movements are currently without a sponsor, unlike many of the teams in our league. We roll against Laramie Lazer Wash, ASAP Sprinklers, Prairie Rose Cafe, and others. These teams show up to the Laramie Lanes weekly and advertise their sponsors on the scoreboard and in some cases on their jerseys. We need a sponsor, Pelican Canoes, and you are the obvious choice.

What’s it going to cost? Well, first we’ll need four patches to affix to our right sleeves. Then, we’ll need a canoe, a Bayou 160 would be perfect. The sooner you can get the canoe in the mail, the better.

What do you get in return? Every week for the 30 weeks of the season, you will have the name of your company proudly displayed on the shoulders of four handsome and charismatic men who bowl poorly. In the off season, we will pull trout after trout over the gunnels of your boat. Everyone who sees this will attribute our fishing success not to our amazing ability to tempt fish with shiny objects but to the vessel in which we float across the water. No doubt when folks see our fishing prowess and shoulder patches, your revenues and profit will double, or more likely quadruple.

When we get our boat in the mail, we will be able to use our earnings to truly pimp our ride. We will now be able to buy all of the necessary accoutrements, like life jackets, oars, a trolling motor, and 20 cases of beer.

So, Pelican Canoes, I’ll be waiting for the patches and the boat. I’ll be checking my mailbox daily. I can’t wait. What’s that? You aren’t interested? Don’t make me write to Old Town.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you have luck with your sponsorship; my attempts never pan out. I tried to get my lawyer to pay me to write his name and number on my jail jumpsuit, but to no avail. Maybe I should have gone for a longer sentence. I also thought about writing a book reviewing different detention centers (food quality, rummy/chess skill levels, sensitivity of shower sessions, etc.), but couldn't garner any interest.

    Maybe you should rob the canoe company, or kidnapped an executive?

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