Thursday, January 1, 2009

Googling "Bowl Movements"

In my incessant quest to bring the BM Report to the top of blogosphere rankings, I do a bit of googling. The best way to find this humble blog is to google "BM Report" with quotation marks. We currently rank 6th in this search. Another way you might think to find us is through our team name, "Bowl Movements", a gem of name devised by JD. It was barely chosen over our second choice, the "Michael Bowltons". It turns out that neither of these names are unique, but if you are so unfortunate as to google our team name, these are the results you will receive:

1. Stool-Healthy and Unhealthy Stool
2. Green Bowl Movements- Gastroenterology - MedHelp
3. Do I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome? - HealingWell.com
4. The Bowl Truth|Natural Health|Finding Articles at BNET
5. Very Painful Bowl Movements--Doctors Lounge (TM)
6. Ask an Expert: No bowl movements
7a. Stomach is always tight and irregular bowl movements ocur...
7b. weird object in my bowl movements
8. TeenHealthFX - Answers - Irregular Bowl Movements
9. All Excessive Bowl Movement messages

Perhaps it is unfortunate that we chose a suitably scatological name for our bowling team. Where do we rank among people with bad spelling who are in search for advice on their discolored, misshapen, too frequent, too infrequent, or foreign object-laden craps? I was surprised to discover that we currently occur as the first listing on page 14 (#131).

I understand that what is excreted from the posterior terminus of your gut is a personal matter and one that can be quite embarrassing. I can sympathize with your web searching for people like you who produce 20-40 #2's a day, have BM's that have massive girth, or a worm-like morphology, and even those of you who wonder how nails, toy cars, and coins end up in your fecal matter. I can see why you might be searching for this on the web rather than talking to your doctor. You could always ask that creepy doctor guy on Oprah. Here is a little bit of advice if you didn't find what you were looking for by the time you reached page 14 of your Google search and landed on this blog.

1. The word you meant to type was "bowel" not "bowl". A bowl is a receptacle for cheerios and soup. It is also a verb pertaining to the act of rolling a ball toward pins. It can also be a receptacle for bowel movements, as in "toilet bowl". You may have better luck if you improve your spelling.

2. If you are crapping foreign objects, it is because you are eating foreign objects. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY FOR THEM TO GET IN THERE. Well, maybe there is one other way. Either way, you should stop doing those things.

3. If you have serious concerns about your G.I. health, stop googling and TALK TO A DOCTOR.

4. If by some strange cosmic coincidence, you were looking for the best bowling team in the world, welcome. I'm sorry you had to wade through so much crap to find us.

1 comment:

  1. Ooh wait, what's the other way? I want foreign objects in my stool too.

    ReplyDelete

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