Monday, February 16, 2009

The Bowler's Prayer

Pinnius, God of Bowling, to thee I pray. On this [insert day of league] night, please bless my two balls. Let the first find the pocket and the second, what remains. Let the grease of the lanes not harm my throw. Oh, Pinnius, in your great bowling alley in the sky, please see to it that my teammates don’t fuck up again. As you gaze down upon us across your nacho cheese-stained polo bowling jersey, I ask only that you prohibit splits, well not “only” since I’ve already asked for some stuff, and I’m about to ask for some more stuff, but it sounded good. God of Bowling, I trust that as you guzzle heavenly bowling juice from your golden pitcher, and as your holy and rotund belly fills with said juice, and as you find yourself eternally in a perfectly divine state hovering between drunk and buzzed, you will forgive my lexical imperfections. For I am just a lowly servant doing your work once a week. Pinnius, if you finally see me worthy, for I have accepted you as my only Bowling God and Savior, let me score over 200. Have I not earned your devotion in return? I mean, come on, big fat stupid bowling god. Give me a fucking break already. What do I have to do? I started throwing a spin as you commanded in your Third Commandment of Bowling. I bought my own ball, and even some stupid ugly bowling shoes. I love you Pinnius, and yet you refuse to love me back. Gods are supposed to reward their subjects for Pinnius’s sake, you fucking son of a bitch, Pinnius. Fuck you. You’re just gonna fuck me over again this week, aren’t you? Sincerely, your humble servant, [insert your name].


  1. Damn you pinnius! You are not even worthy of capitalization. Is that nacho cheese on your holy garment? Are there no holy washing machines in your holy alley? Damn.

  2. This has bothered me for a long time: is there a way to quantify the benefits of throwing a ball with spin vs. throwing a straight ball? Or is it all about style? I assume it must slightly increase the odds of throwing a strike, because as a straight-ball thrower I tend to pick up more spares (especially 10-pin spares) than my spinner colleagues, but my scores are still generally lower.

  3. Hey D,

    In short, I'm sure there is, but I can't do it. I seem to remember reading somewhere that throwing a spin increases the likelihood of a strike tremendously, and that once bowlers started spinning the ball, perfect games became a lot more common.

    Last year, Joe and John starting spinning the ball, and their averages started climbing. This year, i finally succumbed to the spin, and the same thing happened to me. I suppose it is possible that our higher scores were really about experience and not spin, but I doubt it.

  4. I know exactly how you feel: you meet this Pinnius character in a bar on singles night. Things go well. You buy her a drink, conversation revolves around subjects you know. An awkward goodbye, but a promising night as you end up with digits.

    You call the next day, but no answer. You leave a voice mail and send a few texts, but to no avail. You have your buddy at the DMV run her plates, and you begin to gather evidence of their lifestyle by going through her trash. You make an effigy using hair you find in a discarded hairbrush. There is nothing illegal about driving by their place every 30 minutes to see if she is there, right? All pretty standard courtship methods, really....

    There is a knock at the door. Has she finally realized you belong together? Have your incessant letters and staring paid off?

    No! It's a sheriff's deputy serving you a court summons and temporary restraining order! It's three weeks out and with the Honorable Judge Watkins, so you're sure he remembers you from last March and that whole "public indecency" misunderstanding. You call your lawyer and tell him, "Burt, it's happened again." He picks you up from the shelter and drives you to a thrift store to buy a new suit.

    I've seen this a dozen times before, my friends. Instead of directly approaching your subject, try watching from afar....maybe even from the bushes. That way, this Pinnius fellow can't track you down and ruin your afternoon with another ankle monitor appointment.

    I hope this helps :)

  5. I know what you mean. I knew this girl once. I really liked her, and she really liked me. I called her every night, but after the second night, she stopped answering her phone. First, I thought her phone was broken, but then I would call her from outside her window, and I could hear it ringing. I knew she had caller ID, but I assumed it must have been broken because she just wouldn't answer the phone. Then one night, because I was calling her from her backyard, I saw her actually sit there, look at caller ID, and not answer the phone . So, I decided I could still talk to her if I got a megaphone. So, every night, I would just stand in her front yard and talk to her through the megaphone. Eventually, I found another girl who had a better yard.


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