Thursday, February 12, 2009

Dear Dick's Sporting Goods,

You have needs, and so do we. In these trying economic times, you need to maintain your revenue and profit. You need to sell more sporting goods, but people aren’t exactly in a shopping mood. You would like to increase your market share of bowling equipment, and we can provide this.

We need a canoe, a fishing canoe. You have these. You see, our plan was to earn enough money through our bowling league to buy a canoe, but we have been hampered but one small problem. We are bad bowlers, but why should that be a detriment?

We envision a symbiotic relationship between our humble bowling team, the Bowl Movements, and your humble company. Consider this. The endorsement of athletes by sporting goods companies is a long standing tradition, but it is a bit tiresome, isn’t it? In this economic climate, do people really want to listen to hyper-wealthy prima donna athletes peddling shoes and golf balls? Does paying $10 million a year to Tiger really translate to a profit in the sales of the Sasquatch and Nike One golf balls? I imagine it does otherwise it wouldn’t be done, but that’s beside the point.

Most of us know that if I buy a pair of Nike Zoom Lebron VI shoes that I will not suddenly have the ability to go strong to hole and posterize somebody’s face when I jam it through the rim. So, why should I buy LeBron’s shoes? To feel good that I wear the same shoes as King James? That trick might work on the kids, but after age 30, it won’t fly. Plus, in a recession, kids don’t have much money. You need to market to middle-aged weekend warriors. What is the best way to do this?

You need to sponsor the everyday man to be your spokesperson. We are that man. We are handsome and well spoken dudes who work for a living. We have improved the quality of our life by bowling on Monday nights. Of the ten teams that bowl in our league, there are only three that bowl more poorly than we do.

Imagine this commercial for bowling goods. We are decked out in our retro red and black jerseys with Dick’s Sporting Goods patches on the sleeves. A single pin spare awaits a bowling ball; the lonely five pin sits on the center board. A Movement rolls, and the ball brushes by, missing the pin by a hair. Repeat missed spare after missed spare in high speed. Why does this sell bowling balls? Obviously one might blame the ball purchased at Dick’s Sporting Goods. No! That’s the old way of thinking. How many guys sitting on their couch will grin and think, “I can relate to that.” The next time they need to buy a bowling ball, they will think Dick’s Sporting Goods.

Here’s what we need. We want four patches to attach to our jerseys, and $500 to cover the remaining cost of our canoe and accessories. To recoup your investments, you’ll only have to sell an extra 20 bowling balls. That sounds like an easy decision to me. What do you think? How do you like the sound of the following phrase, “The Dick’s Bowl Movements?” It rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it?

What’s that? You’re not interested? Don’t make me write to the Sports Authority.

1 comment:

  1. Have you tried wearing ass-less chaps while you bowl? That could drum up some support from the 45+ single-ladies and perverted-old-man clique (a much sought after demographic in my neck of the woods).

    Except for JL: no one wants to see that.


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