Sunday, March 15, 2009

Beratement of Pinnius

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The Movements have been moving down in the standings like the Detroit Lions. Over the last six weeks, we have only won one game a night with one fluke 3-1 outing. Words of inspiration seem to have no effect. We make adjustments and adjustments to those adjustments, but as a team we cannot pull it together. I have been pondering the source of our troubles, and I have found the obvious culprit, Pinnius, God of Bowling. You see, the last time we bowled well as a team was the City Championships. Just prior to that competition, I publicly berated Pinnius. Obviously, it is time to do so again...

Pinnius, God of Bowing, you suck. I don't care if you sit in a gold throne flanked by golden bowling pins. I don't care if your stupid heavenly lair has posters of bikini girls with bowling balls. I don't care if you can bowl a perfect game anytime you choose. These are things that all gods can do. Apparently, you have seen to it that your only purpose over the last month and a half is to screw over the Bowl Movements. Don't you have something better to do? Do you have more loyal followers than us? I don't think so. We created you, for Pinnius's sake.

Here's how I see your situation. You sit up there chowing on hot dogs that have been spinning on a golden rotary hot dog cooker under a heavenly heat lamp for like six years. You polish your balls all day long. You keep guzzling bowling juice until the bowling angels have to drag your fat ass home. Basically, you have a lame and pathetic life. In the Bowl Movements, you see the kind of life you would like to be living. You see four guys in sharp shirts just trying to enjoy their Monday nights. You see four dudes who have everything, good looks, intelligence, friends, charm, charisma, and happiness. You are jealous of the Bowl Movements, aren't you? Well, fuck you, Pinnius. We don't need you. Go to bowling hell.

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