Monday, August 24, 2009

The Rules of Bowling: Youth Apparel

One of the rule changes in the USBC's 2008-2009 Playing Rules regards youth apparel. Youths competing in tournaments are no longer permitted "to wear apparel or use equipment depicting alcohol, tobacco, gambling, an illegal substance, or inappropriate language/gestures during competition." According to Time Magazine, this rule has dramatically improved the "quality of competition and atmosphere" in youth bowling tournaments.

Way to go, USBC Rules Committee. I see you have spent your time wisely, but I wonder if you have gone far enough. For example, have you considered banning other types of speech? I think for the next edition of the rulebook, you should consider banning political clothing. And what about religious content? Or at least religious content that does not align with the official ideology of bowling. And here's a good one. We could also prohibit kids from wearing tees maligning the USBC. Can you imagine the cracks in our foundation that might form if we permit children to express themselves as they and their parents see fit?

Also, to be fair to the young ones, we should broaden the jurisdiction of this rule to include adults. I mean think of the objectionable stuff that full grown people can still do. Imagine how much the game would be improved if we also banned people with tattoos from entering bowling alleys, and dudes with long hair. And what about those whiny liberals! They always ruin my bowling day. Imagine a bowling alley with nothing but wholesome family values types. Paradise. Who wants to see this when they go to the bowling alley?

Or what about the ad below? Hammer should be ashamed of themselves advertising bowling balls this way. Sexier and deadlier than ever? Don't we have enough sex in bowling already? Look at this piece of trash. The ad line says this ball as an "aggressive back end reaction" and "They'll never see her coming." Holy crap! And if you think that's bad, there is a pair of handcuffs attached to the footboard of some kind of crazy S&M dungeon-like sex lair!!! Can you imagine if children saw this ad? I mean what trashy magazine would even publish an ad like this? Oh wait a minute. It's in the most recent issue of US Bowler, the magazine the USBC sends to every member. But you don't send this to kids do you? God, I hope not. Never mind. That would be almost as bad as publishing some kind of "pearl necklace" ad.


  1. They should have started the article with, "It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen."

    I like my bowling alleys like I like my sexual partners; quiet, inexpensive, full of cheap American beer, and deathly still. This move is a step in the right direction.

  2. I'm not quite sure how to react to that k-terk, but the more my bowling resembles Ted Haggard's church, the better.

  3. Do you mean the meth, the fellatio, or the embracing of everyone's sins?

    ...because frankly, I could use a little more of all three in my life.


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