Monday, November 2, 2009

Bowling Crime: The mystery of the smashed mailbox

And now for a new segment on the BM Report. It will be called Bowling Crime. Because bowlers are a notoriously lawless bunch, this segment will feature bowling-related law breaking activities, such as cheating, theft, vandalism, terrorism, illegal warfare, false imprisonment, check bouncing, jaywalking, murder, public drunkenness, and illegal parking.

Today's feature crime occurred on Thursday October 22, 2009 in the normally peaceful hamlet of Midland, Michigan. The police responded to a call from a 66 year old resident who awoke to find that his mailbox had been smashed. Two members of the Midland Police Forensics Lab were sent to the scene, wherein they discovered a 14 lbs fluorescent green house ball approximately 12 feet from the post of the mailbox. By comparing damage patterns on the ball and mailbox, they concluded that this ball had been involved in the incident. Since they felt that the ball probably did not act alone, they attempted to retrieve fingerprints from its thumb and finger holes but found that prints had been obscured by residues of sweat, beer, and nacho cheese. The motive for this heinous act of vandalism remains unclear. Sheriff's investigators are toying with the idea that the destruction of Mr. [name removed]'s property could have been accidental, but if so, it must have been one of the worst shots in bowling history, most likely an overly enthusiastic attempt to pick up a 7-10 split. The investigation is ongoing.


  1. Hey, maybe you could bring on a color commentator-- no, better, a profiler-- that could showcase some of the more heinous acts committed with/on bowling equipment.

    Take the last two weekly performances of the Holy Cross Luthern Church A Team, for example... The suspects remain at large and the public fears that they may try to strike (ha ha I kill me) again in the very near future.

  2. Nice I like the new segment on bowling crime.


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