Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Briefcase Conspiracy

I want to begin with a question. Can you trust your league secretary? Yeah, I know. You have your doubts. Our league secretary, known in these parts as "The Briefcase", shows up every Monday with a pleasant demeanor, a smile on his face, and a briefcase in his right hand. He's been doing the job since the Eisenhower administration. Everybody loves The Briefcase. He's a good guy. Over the course of a season, the league trusts him with more than $12,000 in cash, which he faithfully distributes to the appropriate parties in the appropriate sums.

By the way, I can't help but think that this system for the redistribution of resources is in essence a highly regressive form of taxation. You take money from the bowling poor (the Bowl Movements) and give it to the bowling rich. But hey, it's a hell of a lot of fun for $12 a week.

Being a league Secretary is a thankless job. If you check out the USBC Rulebook, you will find that of all of the league officers, the Secretary has to do the most. In fact, he or she pretty much has to do everything. The President hardly does anything, except walk around like they're the king of the lanes. That's right, I'm talking to you, Schuster. Anyway, for all of these reasons, it pains me greatly to expose the greatest scandal to hit Laramie Lanes since the keg of Bud Light ran out on a Tuesday morning at 11:00 AM.

You see, The Briefcase bowls for the team of rolling assassins known as "Lazer Wash". The Lazers are a brutal show of bowling prowess, with a team average probably hovering around 2 and change. The Lazers have won the league at least twice since we started bowling. They are good. In fact, you could call them the "Bizarro Bowl Movements". They are our opposites. Because we use a 90% handicapping system, we are at our greatest disadvantage when we bowl against them.

We bowled against the bruisers only two weeks ago, and we were happy to come out of it 2-2. Thankfully, in a league with nine teams, we won't have to face them again for another six weeks, right? Wrong. We bowl against them again next week. Well, you might say, wasn't another team just added to the league? Didn't that screw up the scheduling? Yes, that's true. Thanks a lot, Wolfpack. Thanks for coming into the league and screwing us over. Why don't you just go back to your stupid bowling den. But there's more to this sordid tale of intrigue. You see, we have now bowled for 20 weeks in Bernaski, and we have already faced the Lazers four times. This will be our 5th match against the Car Washers in 21 weeks! Do the math. We roll against these guys like once a month.

Now, let's do a little comparison. There is one team in our league that is actually worse than us, if you can believe it. It's the team known as "Little Caesars". (No offense intended, Caesars. Please keep bringing pizza.) When we bowl against them, we actually have an advantage. How many times have we faced them? Twice. Something smells fishy here, and it's not a double anchovy pizza pizza.

So, Briefcase, what do you have to say for yourself? I would threaten to rise up against you in a bloodless secretarial coup d'etat, but that would mean that I would have to be the league secretary. NO WAY. That's way too much stuff to do. Plus, you're really good at it.


  1. I don't know that we could take him. I can't help but think that beneath that calm exterior lies a beast of bureaucratic bludgeoning, just waiting to whoop us should we get out of line. There's a reason I'm always uncomfortable saying "I'll get that extra dollar to you next time"....

  2. No way. Plus, he's got quite a posse. His two boys are probably the best bowlers in the city. The kid wonder has his back, too. If you get through those three, you must face the ninja Del Soll, who once TKO'd Butch Cassidy at the Buckhorn.


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