Sunday, February 7, 2010

Bowling Mustaches: The Bohn

Chief among the equipment needs of a bowler are three key items: 1) A custom drilled ball; 2) A pair of comfortable shoes; 3) A well groomed mustache. The mustache in bowling serves many purposes beyond its normal uses in real life, signaling a Selleck-like panache and permitting the wearing of "Mustache Rides, $0.50" tees. According to USBC Exercise and Strength Conditioning Specialist Nick Bohanan, "There are two primary reasons why many male professional bowlers wear mustaches. For one the sheer mass of the stache provides an important counterweight for the ball during the back swing. For another, it provides a natural filter for inhaled gases, which at bowling alleys often contain many impurities that can be quite distasteful, not to mention unhealthy. For both reasons, I have often recommended that female bowlers wear a fake mustache in competition."

Today's featured mustache is the Bohn, invented by PBA bowler Parker Bohn III. Here are its specifications.

Style: The Bohn
Color: Dark Brown
Thickness: Medium
Length:Width Ratio: 7.71
Earnings: $2,650,584.00
Titles: 32

The Bohn stache is recommend for left handed bowlers with intermediate speed and revs. People incapable of developing a natural Bohn due to age or gender can purchase a glue on version at the USBC Sport Store. For blondes, Just for Men Gel can be applied, but keep in mind that over application can affect balance. Oops, we're out of time.

6 comments:

  1. Slow news day?

    Most mustaches in bowling alleys have that certain je ne sais quoi that makes men look like out of work porn stars... The team doctor excepted, of course.

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  2. Actually, I was reading the new USBC Bowler last night, and I found it just plain boring. The only thing that made an impression on me was the frequency of mustaches.

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  3. I read it this weekend, as well. I was blown away by the ball naming conventions. "Twisted Fury", "Sabotage", "Captain Midnight", etc. I feel like I'm being introduced to WWF wrestlers (and not the cool old ones, like The Ultimate Warrior).

    This makes me want to give up my week-long dream of being an infomercial actor and delve into the fine art of ball naming.

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  4. Well? Have any ideas for ball names? All I got is the Columbia 300 Half Man.

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  5. I was good with lighters, so naming a ball should be a snap.

    I was thinking that my lane ball is going to be changed from "Blue Ball" to "Three Babies and a Guitar; an Experiment in Subtle Autumn Colors Using a Panglossian Viewpoint on Modern Chivalry". It rolls off the tongue....

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  6. I like it. Maybe something a little longer would be better.

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