Thursday, March 11, 2010

Dear Brunswick Bowling,

I am writing concerning an urgent matter in the world of bowling. If left unresolved, the sport we all know and love is in jeopardy. In my search for a hero to come to the rescue of keglers around the world, to whom else would I turn (other than Pelican canoes and Dick's Sporting Goods)? In the spirit of the great turn of the century founder of your company, John Moses, I appeal to your better nature. For we rollers of the world depend upon your deeds.

You see, our bowling team is need of sponsorship. If we continue to the end of the season sans sponsorship, we will have $20+ dollars extracted from our already paltry winnings, and if this happens for the 4th consecutive year, the entire sport will be threatened. How you ask? It is a simple matter of the fungibile nature of currency. Those $20+ out of pocket will not be spent on bowling, bowling balls, bowling shoes, bowling bags, bowling tape, bowling accessories, or bowling juice. Those funds, which could have been acquired by some fine bowling business, would in turn have been spent elsewhere by an employee of said business, perhaps on groceries, pornographic magazines, Just for Men Gel, or replacement wiper blades. Every time these funds change hands, the economy is stimulated and jobs are created. Without said sponsorship, that guy working the assembly line at the Just for Men Gel factory could be laid off. If he is laid off, he will no longer bowl. If he no longer bowls, he will not be purchasing a new Brunswick Python. If demand drops for Brunswick Pythons, you will be required to reduce your work force. Why? Obviously, it is because you failed to sponsor us.

Who are we, you ask? We are the men who comprise the greatest bowling team in the history of universe, the Bowl Movements. I know what you are thinking, "We already sponsor some amazing bowlers, like Parker Bohn 3, Sean Rash, and Carolyn Dorn-Ballard. Why should we add some no-names from Wyoming to our cadre of moochers?" The reasons are simple and two-fold: 1) As I have already explained, the future of your business and the sport depend upon it. 2) It is time to recognize the hard working men and women who bowl every week and struggle to hit the 200 mark. We are the foundation upon which the sport is built.

Yes, two of us already use your equipment, and two of us don't. Here is what I say to anyone who asks me about my ball, "It is a Brunswick Smash Zone. It is the most finely engineered piece of bowling equipment ever produced. Its dark pearlized cover stock was inspired by the aragonitic surface sheen of the black pearls sought after by the skin divers of Bora Bora. It is a machine to be handled firmly and yet also with the gentle touch of an infant koala. I highly recommend one if you are looking for a new ball, and I think you should recommend one to everyone you know, and tell them to do the same."

I recognize your current strategy of sponsorship. It is common in sport; it is the guilt by association approach. If a great bowler is seen performing well, people will ask, "What kind of ball are they using?" It is an odd question since the word "Brunswick" appears in huge block letters across the front of their tacky jersey. It is not difficult to show that this tactic does not work. If things associated with great bowlers are taken up by those who are not so great, then why don't I see Parker Bohn's mustache adorning the faces of bowlers ?

You see, Brunswick Bowling, it is time to usher in a new era of sports sponsorship. It is time to sponsor the everyday man and woman. It is time to show the world that an investment of $24 can save the economy and the sport of bowling. It is time for you to ponder the potential fiscal windfall of the phrase "Brunswick Bowling presents the Bowl Movements." I will sit by the phone until you call.



  1. Let me know if you hear anything back from them... ;)

  2. Still waiting for that phone call...

  3. Once again, my solution to everything: tattoos.

    We'll get "Brunswick" in Old-English letters across my chest, possibly blasting out of a battleship motif. I will bowl sans shirt (as I usually do), and we will be regaled with compliments, product inquires, and undergarments. I can't think of a better advertisement :)

  4. Brilliant. Get right on that this afternoon.


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